I once made fun of overseas Americans who shifted into a sort of babyspeak when dealing with non-native English speakers. I would listen to them and laugh.

It was like listening to a first-grade primer being read aloud. Remember Dick and Jane? Do they still use Dick, Jane and Spot in schools anymore? Probably not. Anything that works fairly well usually is shoved aside for something new, better and unproven. But I digress.

I now am one of those babytalkers. Or can be.  Or try to be, when the occcasion demands, and it often does.

Actually, it’s a required skill, when living in a country where everyone speaks English … but only in theory. If you want to get from Point A to Point B in your daily life, you have to make yourself understood, and it ends up sounding like a 6-year-old going through his first reading book.

For example:

Let’s say you live in Abu Dhabi, on the Arabian Peninsula, and English is lingua franca — but only about 10 percent of the non-Westerners are really proficient at it.

Let’s say that 90 percent of the rest of the population understands no more than 30-40 words of English. And let’s say that the taxi driver who just picked you up is one of that 90 percent.

First, you must establish where you want to go. That requires a firm, clear declaration of destination. With the best diction you can summon. “Electra and Najda, please.”No muttering. “uh-LECK-tra and NAZH-da, pleez.”

Moments later, you may be required to give more specific directions because, as you may recall, they don’t use street addresses in Abu Dhabi. If your destination isn’t a landmark, you must give directions to get to your final destination. Thus, you will be doing more speaking with your driver — even if neither of you wants it to finish that way.

Most taxi drivers here are Pakistanis who do understand,  at least,  simple directions in English. Left. Right. Straight. Fine. But if you deviate from the simple, or slip up, you can cause complicate your journey.

In my case, I came over with a bad habit of using “right” in the sense of “exactly” or “just”. As in “right here.” Which in my mind means that I am saying, “this is it; stop here. Right here.”

But non-English-speaking cab drivers hear “right” … and process it as “this Englishman wants me to turn right.” Which inevitably leads to the driver continuing on his way, looking for the next right turn, and me spluttering “no, right here … I mean here. Stop here.” And the conversation ends with a sense of urgency and bossy-ness you didn’t intend … and could have avoided if you hadn’t slipped into the old “right here” usage that would be fine in North America.

Because you weren’t using your babyspeak.

A bit more obvious is complicated constructions or multi-syllabic words. No past-perfect. No supercalifragilisticexpealidocious. Avoid modifiers. Eschew adjectives and adverbs. Don’t use. Oh, and avoid contractions. Do not use.

Do not fall into regional speak. Do not use colloquialisms. Do not drop the back end of gerunds. “I am going” probably should not be used, but if you must, make sure the “ing” comes out of your mouth and does not die with an “in” … as in “goin’ fast.”

Actually, want you want: Present tense. Terse. Clearly enunciated. Words that do not have multiple meanings.

Which means, at the end of the day … you sound like Dick and Jane.

“Follow this street, sir. Turn right. Turn here. Go straight. Left, here. Go straight. Stop, please. How much? Thank you. Good night.”

See Paul speak.