My favorite baseball team on the planet right now is the Tampa Bay Rays.

Why?

Because they are playing the Boston Red Sox.

I am sick to death of the Red Sox. And of all sports-things-Boston. Most certainly including the Celtics and Patriots.

Well, actually, I don’t loathe the franchises, in particular. Well, OK, I hate the Celtics.

What I find really, really annoying are Boston fans. Boston fans are the reason I want all Boston teams to fail. Forever.

It’s taken me awhile to sort out my objections to Boston fandom. How is it worse than New York fans? Or San Francisco fans? Or Los Angeles fans? All of whom have issues.

How are they worse? Like this:

1. Their unrivaled self-regard. No one is as “expert” as a Boston fan. No one. They know more about the game than you do, and don’t even bother trying to argue this.

2.  Their pretension.

The U.S. is littered, now, by “My Team Here” Nations. Raider Nation. Trojan Nation. Etc. But “Red Sox Nation” probably was the first, which is telling. It is exactly the sort of thing Boston fans would do to separate themselves — and elevate themselves — from the rest of the sports world’s witless rubes who didn’t have the great good luck to grow up in New England — or pretend they did. They aren’t just fans: They are a body politic, with certain inalienable rights that other sports fans lack. Like, rights to an opinion or championship teams.

3. The overwhelming sense that they care more, and more passionately, about their teams than anyone else ever has. Or will. Or could. Talk to someone who is a Boston fan. Read Boston journalists.

Their triumphs are more exhilarating, their defeats more devastating. Because they care so much more, don’t you see? Your emotional investment can’t possibly rival theirs. Ergo, they 1) deserve to have their teams win and 2) won’t countenance your protests that your team matters.

4. The growing sense of band-wagoneering surrounding Boston franchises. Of all these fake fans of the moment, who insist/pretend they have been Boston fans forever when, in point of fact, they grew up in Placentia and have never been outside the state of California.

5. And the most basic reason that Boston fans annoy me: Their extraordinary run of good fortune.

The Red Sox have won two of the last four World Series. The Patriots have won three Super Bowls in this decade. The Celtics just won the NBA title. It is an embarrassment of riches, yet Boston fans want more and more and more. And deserve it, don’t you see.

I am sick of them. Sick to death. Of all of them, showing up in other stadiums, buying up tickets in Anaheim or St. Petersburg or wherever, showing up and being obnoxious and arrogant.

They are the worst. New York fans may have a sense of entitlement. It’s the capital of the world, after all. Chicago fans may be amazingly provincial. (They do “suffering” quite well.) Los Angeles fans can be remarkably fickle.

No other city’s fans, however, bring to the discussion as many objectionable “qualities” as do Boston fans. Which is why I celebrated the New York Giants’ victory in the last Super Bowl, over the “unbeatable” Patriots, as if I actually were a Giants fan.

No. I’m just a Patriots-Red Sox-Celtics hater.

So, yeah, “die, Red Sox, die!” Lose today. Lose tomorrow. Lose next year. Go Rays. Go Lakers. Go G-Men. Any enemy of Boston and its insufferable fans is a friend of mine.