What was it that Tolstoy wrote? “Happy cab companies are all alike; every unhappy cab company is unhappy in its own way.”

Or was he talking about families there?

At any rate, Abu Dhabi has an unhappy cab system. Unhappy in its own way.

Paris cabs are expensive. New York cabs feature drivers who may not speak English. Los Angeles cabs are invisible.

Abu Dhabi’s taxi system almost gets things right. But it fails this acid test: It is overwhelmed at critical points of the day.

My first day of work here … we needed to be at the office at 2 p.m.  And the office is about four miles away from our hotel. Even in Abu Dhabi’s nightmarish traffic, 4-5 miles should be about 15 minutes. Max.

Until 1:20 p.m. on Sunday, I had experienced no real problems with Abu Dhabi cabs. Limited waits, minimal problems in communicating where we hoped to go, low rates.

Then came Sunday (which is like Monday in the West) … and it was as if half the cabs in the city had disappeared … and the rest were zipping along with passengers already inside.

What we had not been told, and had not factored into our schedule, was this: Most of Abu Dhabi’s cabbies are Muslims. And devout Muslims, at that.

One of the five daily prayer times for devout Muslims comes after noon. Turns out, a significant fraction of all Abu Dhabi cabbies come from the city of Peshawar, which is located in one of the most religiously devout areas of Muslim Pakistan. So at 1 p.m. or so … many of the drivers are not on the job; they are praying or just finished praying. Others are taking worshipers back to work. Other residents are returning to work after the midday break, and are looking for cabs, too. Perhaps the biggest crunch time of the day, and a big chunk of the taxi fleet is idle.

Then there is the issue of the Green Cabs. These comprise seemingly about half of all cabs, and they seem to prefer never to pick up Westerners. I haven’t yet gotten to the bottom of this, but a co-worker suggests that they prefer to pick up immigrant workers, particularly Indians, and transport 3-4-5 guys all at once to their quarters in Mussafah, a modest neighborhood outside of downtown. That is, they prefer fewer big fares than picking up a Westerner who is taking a shorter trip inside town.

I won’t get into the cabbies’ driving skills, just now. Their reputation is not good. In an editorial this week, The National (my newspaper) opened with this critique of local cabbies:

“The Abu Dhabi taxi driver is often accused of flouting regulations, jumping traffic lights and refusing to pick up passengers unless they are heading to Musaffah. They account for a third of all road accidents in the capital, although this statistic probably makes them look worse than they are, since they spend most of their days and nights on the road. The taxi drivers blame their passengers for the frequency of the accidents, which may account for why they seem to prefer to drive around empty.”

I’ve missed out on the E-ticket cab experience (dated reference to Disneyland ticketing categories; the Matterhorn was an E ticket)… but I can attest that quite a few cabs are empty … and clearly not interested in picking up two Westerners.

Anyway, our Sunday hunt for a cab turned into a one-hour ordeal. Cab after cab after cab whizzed past. Most had passengers. Some (the green cabs) did not. I will guestimate that 200 cabs passed us while we stood on the sidewalk. Maybe 300. It was awful.

During this whole time, we were standing in the Abu Dhabi afternoon sun, which can cook a person faster than a microwave. (Luckily, it was a mild afternoon of, oh, 95 degrees.)

We tried Electra Street. We tried Najda Street. Twice we retreated to our hotel to inveigh upon the reception ladies to call for cabs — being happy to pay the extra charge.

Cab companies wouldn’t come. The reception woman even called individuals she knew … to see if they would be willing to drive us. No. They all were busy. The soonest any of them could come? At 3 p.m. Eventually, we called ahead to the office to say we would be late. That’s when we found out about the “yeah, it’s really bad for cabs from about 1 to 2.”

So, yes, a learning experience. In the early afternoon, in the neighborhood where we live, you cannot figure on finding a cab in 15 minutes. Or 30. Or even 45. Which probably explains why a significant number of National employees drive to work despite traffic that is Las Vegas Strip on a Saturday night bad.

It all made me nostalgic for Hong Kong taxis … the happiest taxi system in the world. A million cabbies, all working monstrous hours, charging low rates, always available. I suppose other happy taxi systems are just like that.