Looking a bit stunned from three hours in the Beijing heat, I do not mug for the camera as the U.S. Olympic team enters the stadium.

This is my seventh Summer Games, going back to Los Angeles 1984 … and I can say this with assurance:

Beijing 2008 was the sweatiest Opening Ceremonies of the past 24 years.

I have just returned to the Main Press Center which, thank heavens, is air-conditioned.

Actually, my salvation came about 40 minutes ago, when I dragged my old bones into an air-conditioned bus.

I waited for the U.S. team to enter National Stadium (the Bird’s Nest) before I bugged out. I fell asleep twice in the process, but I was semi-wide awake (middling awake?) when the Yanks cruised in and seemed to set a global record for “slowest Ceremonies lap, one team.” Flag-bearer Lopez Lomong was rounding the turn when the men’s basketball team (bringing up the rear) ambled along. Our people were in no hurry, lemme tell ya.

Opening Ceremonies always are interesting. I always try to go.

But they are fairly predictable, too. Variations on a theme.

An hour-plus of silly home-country cultural stuff. High-concept dancing and singing. It’s been basically the same since L.A., generally credited (blamed) for turning a fairly straight-forward Parade of Nations meet-and-greet into this sprawling, out-of-control thing we’ve had since.

(Remember the 84 grand pianos at the Coliseum? And Rafer Johnson as the celebrity torch-lighter? That’s where it started, with David Wolper … and it’s been getting bigger and more bloated ever since. But basically the same thing. To wit: The Chinese kept doing stuff with 2,008 people in it. You know, cuz it’s 2008, see? Ay, carumba.)

During this lo-o-o-ng stretch of time, China appeared to claim credit for inventing everything prior to television and credited the Communist Party with making the country semi-prosperous again. (Though China might have been going great guns 30 years ago if not for Mao and the Cultural Revolution.)

Some sartorial disasters (Belarus comes to mind; or was it Ukraine?), certainly.

Jacques Rogge, the Belgian who is president of the IOC, made some remarks in which he suggested Olympians are role models for youth, and said he would be deeply disappointed if some of them were found to be (no!) cheating.

And then it just dragged into the night. I wanted to wait to see who lit the torch, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Yao Ming, and after that I’m not sure I really cared, unless they brought Mao’s body out of refrigeration to somehow fire up the flame.

So, maybe I’ll get back to that tomorrow.  It’s almost midnight here, and this thing is still going. Still.

“Gigantism” … the Olympics has a bad case of it. And it starts on Night 1, with Opening Ceremonies … which have become unbearable. Especially when you’ve got 90 degrees, 90 percent humidity and a stadium with no air in it.

Enough complaining. I’m wiped. Too much fun for one night.