What a bunch of geezers.

Talk about the ancien regime.

These days, the last thing I expect at an action-hero movie is a bunch of guys on screen who make me feel young.

But that is what I got watching The Expendables 3, the third installment of Sylvester Stallone’s latest franchise, at a Gaumont theater on the Champs de Elysees.

Let’s consider the, uh, senior members of the cast.

—Harrison Ford, 72. Yes, Han Solo is on the high side of the big seven-oh. And he looks it, even if he has retained most of his (or someone else’s) hair. If it seems as if he has been playing the same character since Star Wars … well, you’re right. In this one, he says things like, “Bring him back … alive.” When Ford (a guest star in this one) and Stallone are on screen together, it’s like they are having a “craggy”-off. I’d say Sly wins by TKO.

—Sylvester Stallone, 68. Rocky has been around nearly seven decades, and the man who wrote the screenplay gives himself lots and lots of close-ups during which he appears to be attempting to act. (The parts of his mug still under his control move slightly.) What has been done to his face in the name of eternal youth is not clear, but extreme. And I am thinking those bulging veins and muscles in his arms might be a bit of Hollywood magic. Like, they are prop “sleeves” he pulls on before the cameras roll.

—Arnold Schwarzegger, 67. Leah cringed every time Ahh-nuld’s face came on screen. “He used to be a governor!” she said, as if that kept a person from playing a mercenary in a bad movie. His age would be a bigger issue if he hadn’t kept his arms covered, though he did seem to limp a little. And for dropping by, playwright Stallone twice lets Arnold talk about a “chop-uh” (chopper). As in, “Get to the chop-uh!”

—Kelsey Grammer, 59. Thank goodness, he doesn’t carry any weapons; the notion of Dr. Frasier Crane toting an M-16 would be too ridiculous for words. The man who has trod the boards in productions of Shakespeare (I saw him in Richard II in Los Angeles) is Stallone’s talent scout and wears a porkpie hat and says things like, “I think you will like this one.” His appearances makes you wonder if alimony is killing him. (The three ex-wives, and all.)

—Mel Gibson, 56. The designated bad guy, which he does with mixed success. We know he’s pretty much nuts, real life, but taking “nuts” to the screen seems a stretch for him. He’s allowed to beat up Sly, which must have made his day.

—Dolph Lundgren, 56. A fixture of the series, the expressionless Dane, a man of few (and mumbled) words, carries heavy weapons and never seems out of breath. Like everyone else who may also be carrying their AARP membership card.

—Wesley Snipes, 52. Life imitating art; he plays a guy in prison. (Eight years in the stir, in the flick; 2.5 years, real life.) Sly and the crew bust him out in the opening scenes. He likes knives, which seem dangerous in the shaky hands of older people.

—Randy Couture, 51. The former UFC champion at least has a military background, and made a living beating up people. Can’t act a lick, so he’s a man of few words, too.

—Jason Statham, 47. The kid among the original Expendables. He appears to be the second in command, which enables him to have quality time with Sly in the cockpit of the plane.

Anyway, the movie is a cavalcade of receding hairlines, wrinkles a small child could be lost in, weird post-surgery tautness and, of course, Sly’s 68-year-old “guns” which he did not come by through a push-up regimen.

As someone who has had a few big birthdays, I am impressed the cast can (if the movie is to be credited) carry around heavy weapons, as well as innumerable numbers of clips/belts of ammunition, while climbing flights of stairs or the sides of buildings, etc.

The movie ends (warning: spoiler alert) with Stallone outrunning a building collapse and launching himself at a rope dangling below the chop-uh. — which he then clutches onto for a minute or three while geezer No. 1 Ford pilots the helicopter to safety.

It is movie with lots of death but very little violence (fatal stabbings have never been so bloodless). And the “expendables” thing is limited to one guy in the crew nearly killed. (Which makes Sly mad.)

It is all quite silly, but in a fun way. And, yes, it did make me feel young. Or at least not quite so old. I can still aspire to a role in Expenables 4, anyway.