Why am I doing this?

It’s like the story a drug addict might tell.

“I tried it once when I was young, and didn’t like it … and couldn’t afford it. Then I tried it again when I was older and, well, I guess I’m hooked.”

Have you any met any serious fantasy football player who wasn’t … oh, what’s the expression … bat-sh*t crazy?

And we could also add:

–Remarkably boring.

–Unable to watch a game just to watch the game. Like gamblers, except worse, because they keep pleading for stats even when the gambling-against-the-line outcome has long been determined.

–Amazingly petty. (No, I don’t want to do the draft that day. I’m not sure I trust you to pull names out of hat without cheating. You took Tom Brady only because you knew I wanted him!)

–Think they can talk trash like the guys from The League. (Remember, kids; their lines are written by professional comedy writers, and we are never sure if you’re running smack or just being insulting.)

–Remarkably boring. Did I already mention that? May as well get used to reptition; fantasy footballers will talk your ear off if you let them. And even if you don’t.

I would rather hear someone tell me a minute-by-minute account of their foot surgery than listen to a fantafootballer describe their agonizing loss by 30 points last week.

I am not a newcomer to the concept of stats-driven sports league. I have been in a baseball league since 1983, and let’s just make this short and sweet: Fantasy ball beats bloody hell out of fantasy football.

Baseball gives you the wonderfully fair and extremely large statistical sample that is the 162-game season. At the end of that, whoever won … well, they deserve it.

Football clearly is far less formful. Season-ending injuries happen all the time. Numbers are small. A guy has one big performance at just the right moment, and Team A instead of Team B is in the playoffs.

I am convinced that a person can win a fantasy football league without knowing much of anything about football; just follow what the advice guys tell you to do.

That doesn’t work in baseball, which is evolving daily. (So, Luke Gregerson is the new Padres closer, as of Wednesday.) You don’t win a baseball league without knowing a lot about the game.

I already feel myself being ostracized, here in Abu Dhabi, because I am not going to live and die with fantasy football. Which makes me an outcast.

Hey, I did it to be sociable. To be part of the group. And now I’m headed for a lowlier status than before because I don’t really have an opinion on Jean-Pierre Paul. When, of course, I haven’t even followed the NFL with any sort of consistency since the Rams and Raiders left Los Angeles — in 1994.

So, draft night, I was 10 minutes late to the draft, and the machine auto-picked me Larry Fitzgerald and Marshawn Lynch, neither of whom I would have taken with the 14-15 picks … and then I got Eli Manning, cuz I think he will be good, and then he couldn’t throw for 200 on opening night, and maybe I will go 0-14 after all …

And already I’m starting to talk like the crashing bores who play fantasy football.

I’m gonna try it for these 14, 15 weeks, and then I’m going to give it up. Really. I will. You’ll see.