With all due respect to Nick Nolte and the late James Brown, I advance my candidacy for having been the focus of The Worst Mugshot Ever.

It is, perhaps, a universal vanity among humans that, inside our heads, we present a more handsome image than, in fact, we often do.

And then if we exacerbate things with a night of hard partying and/or horrible clothes decisions, as well as a puzzling facial expression or tilt of the head … it can make for some very grim viewing.

I can vouch for this.

Ahead of the draw for the Fifa Under 17 World Cup, to be held in the UAE, I had my mugshot taken (above) at the credentialing center, in Abu Dhabi.

Now, I know that I tend to not be smiling when I think I might be (at least a little), and I know that I sometimes hold my head in an unflattering position, but I perhaps did not take these things into account as I should — given that the credentialing area was in chaos and posing was not uppermost in my mind.

Also, I had made some wardrobe decisions that were curious and unhelpful.

I decided a necktie was necessary for an event as important as a World Cup draw … and from there the next step, to a coat, was a simple one.

But which coat? My oversized black one, of course. (It cost $50, and the idea was to have it taken in … hasn’t happened yet.)

And then what tie to go with the black coat? How about my black tie, in solidarity with the largely monochromatic dress of UAE citizens? (White for men, black for women.)

Not a bad idea, but horrible execution. A coat that fit would have been a significant improvement.

So, it’s finally my turn to have my photo taken, in the credential area, and I have not bothered to look in the mirror to see what my all-black torso looks like (nearly enveloped by the too-large off-the-rack sport coat), nor am I doing a good job (I realized even in the moment) of coming up with anything resembling a smile. Perhaps because I was harried and not quite happy, just as everyone jammed into the room with me was harried and not quite happy — and a smile seemed a bad idea. Very much out of place.

So I would go with a tiny grin. Sure. I thought I presented one. And there is the guy messing with the little camera, and the light went on, and that was that.

I didn’t even look at the credential. I was in a hurry. Not until after the event did I take a look at the mug … and was horrified.

I almost immediately decided the mug could be interpreted in one of two ways.

1. The hairless man in the photo, wearing the black coat and black tie, was a particularly grim undertaker … not the guys the funeral home send to the funeral, because they at least need to look sympathetic, but the one who works in the back.

2. The hairless man wearing black was, in fact, a cadaver. An unhealthy pallor (no one in the UAE ever spends time out of doors), and a head tilted back, as if resting on a not-thick-enough coffin pillow.

OK, someone had forgotten to sew shut his eyelids, but otherwise … the choices were cadaver or mortician.

Ultimately, I decided I looked rather like the “Lurch” character (the photo above, truth be told) in the old TV comedy The Addams Family, expect with less hair, or perhaps the same show’s “Uncle Fester” (below) — except less expressive.

I was reminded that any mugshot taken on a little camera by a bureaucracy is almost certainly going to turn out badly. (Open your wallet and check your driver’s license.)

And I also was reminded that sometimes photos don’t lie. We really do look like that. So bad that I am not going to post the real photo.